Yummy

I saw this ad yesterday while on the metro in DC.. it makes me sick. On the topic of making myself sick.. all I've had to eat today is cheese and confetti cake. I should probably find something for dinner soon.

One more week til my parents are here! I have so much to pack, so much to clean, so many things to take care of... we'll see how well it all gets done. Now back to work!

And It All Begins To Fall Into Place

I'm excited for this summer. I'll have time to study, time to grow, time to concentrate on the things I need to do to make myself a better person. I have the time, energy, motivation, and means to do something about it, and I'll soon be able to at least perceive what the ideal is, if even just for a glimpse or a taste.

I'm finally done with all these pesky finals. Personality theory wasn't as bad as it could've been. Inorganic, well, that was tough. I didn't get much sleep last night. But alas, it is now summer, and I'm now a senior. I have time to get my stuff together, to leave this apartment and what it is to me, and move on. something new. Not too much will change, but it'll help me get rid of certain memories hopefully.

Maybe I'll be having some fun tonight. I've kinda avoided friends for the moment. I'm kinda at the point in those weird relatinoships, where you don't know if it should be more than what it started out as.. possibly considering something more? At least that's what I think we're at, maybe the feelings aren't being returned, but who knows.

Man, I need to shower :P I've been in the same clothes, on and off, for at least a while. My ulcers are getting slightly better, and this ice cream certainly helps. Edy's Slow Churned vaniall bean. Yum.

The Anesthetic Never Set In

its not you, it's just the freudian escape mechanism of transferrance


trying to concentrated on finals, having a really hard time


this is starting to sound like my xanga.. but i guess i have no choice since its how i'm feeling right now


don't know what i should say to him. i don't know what i want to do. i want someone to convince me that i should. is this exactly where you'd like me?


why wasn't last night any fun for me? i'd rather sleep on a couch, not even because i had a lot to drink... the people there, the whole environment, it's different. it's not like the old parties.


i've had absolutely no desire to eat as of late. i kinda forced myself to go grocery shopping today... making some soup. chicken/chana masala.. white rice. didn't really know how to deal with the masala, but just did tomatoes, garam masala, lots of garlic, onion, pepper, cumin, chili powder...

If You're Gonna to Preach, Preach With Conviction

So the main thing that's wrong with me and relationships is I become too dependent on trying to attain the ideal status. Like me and studying... and me and crew.. and me and people. Perhaps I should just stop trying to be the best, and settle for what I have. It really is amazing how music, a long drive, buying drugs, and downing an entire Chipotle burrito can make you feel better.

Don't pretend you've never been there. I guess my only frustration is the fact that my senior year.. my last chance to prove myself. To get into gradschool, to work on my people skills before I leave this school, to make the best of Maryland and what I might have here. To figure out what I need to do to stay polite without tearing myself up inside.



What 48 hour rule? I'm not even racing...

Just "Lust A Prima Vista"

And all at once it became clear to me.

Only it didn't.

But nevertheless, the guy I took at the sprint in the single and beat by half a second last year at MACCC's? Well, he was the guy I was racing today. And despite massive support from our own 8, William and Mary, and Rob from UMaryland, I lost it in the last 500, being only half a boatlength ahead for the entire race, and sprinting too early. Too early, too little, and he took me at the sprint this time. Alas, I still medaled, but he surely came back with a vengeance.

My excuse is that I've only practiced in the single 3 times all year. And have coxed the rest of the time, while he's actually raced as a rower... For that guy's size and experience, he should've won by way more than 4 seconds at the sprint, pretty damn good if you ask me.

Men's 8, 5th in Grands. Women's 4, gold in the 4's. NMen's 4, silver in grands. NWomen'4, 5th in Grands. Oh yeah, and the Michelle/Renee pair got gold too. Not too bad especially for the women. They're really stepping it up this season.

And I'm now officially done. Alas, I'll still go to practice and sit in the launch, but done is done regardless of whether or not I go to practice, right?

Tonight though, after the regatta, made dinner for the coxswains and captains for next year. Majorly fun. Though it took quite a bit of planning and prep, it worked out. Fresh white corn and red onion salad with a ginger-soy dressing. Followed by lime-ginger scented jasmine rice, accompanied by Mr. Yoshida's marinated chicken with green onions, plain roasted carrot spears, and fresh roasted asparagus sprinkled with parmesean. Finally to round it all out, some vanilla ice cream, a quick warm strawberry sauce from frozen berries, and fresh strawberries. For 12 people! And Lukasz said he was full! That's... that's...






Still waiting for that next big thing to come into my life to keep me goin' on.

For One Day Only

A cut above the rest. Better than anyone else. Understanding what's best and doing it.

I wish for once I had a good idea of the decisions I should make. I can't ask what I want. I can't do what I need to. I'm afraid of confronting what should be dealt with. And not doing so breaks up the continuity of my sanity. Dwelling on something for so long I can't seem to realize how significant they become. How incredibly difficult they are to finally resolve. Only to be put off.

Last pasta dinner for the year was tonight. I'm so glad cause I've definitely been burnt out. Cooking's great and all, but not when I don't have enough time. I never have enough time. Even on a Saturday, I'm running between grocery stores, the farmer's market. A 2 hour session on the beach with stressbusters... and 30 backrubs later, cook nonstop basically for 3 hours. My feet want to fall off. I'm dehydrated. I have to race in a few hours.

And for what? Is it to prove a certain pain or responsibility tolerance. Life doesn't have to be as elaborate as it is now. Why go for the best possible, or the best that we can manage. The best that I can manage. What am I proving, who am I trying to impress? Nothing work, I need to stop being so selfish.

There's more to be attained, there are greater things than just one race.. or 10. I hope. I really hope, cause I don't know what all my energy's working for right now otherwise.

A Bit of a Countdown

29 days til my birthday. 27 days til my parents come and help me move. 24 days til this year's commencement and my pre-birthday drunken party with clare. 17 days til my last final and the start of summer. 15 days til the end of the year bbq. 12 days til the end of our 05-06 crew season (and subsequent party!). 6 days til i defend my silver medal in the single at MACC's (hopefully). 4 days until i'm done with french elements.

so what's been up recently? last week, crew formal. way fun. clare was my date, she in lauren's olive/dark green dress, me in my charcoal suit with a grey shirt and a black textured kenneth cole tie. i needed something to match with clare, so i went to the florist, got her a few stems.. a fern, a stem of red alstromeria, and two white gerbera daisies. the green tissue paper it was wrapped in was way lame.. so i cut the stems really short, took some kitchen twine, and wrapped a handle down the stems. it looked pretty awesome. i also took some of the cut fern leaves and stuck one in my breastpocket.. i really should have pinned it there cause it kept falling. but.. it was hot.

on another note.. have guys always matched their girls at formals? or is this something new that's recently come about? we did it back home at proms and such, but i didn't see any of it here at all.. until our formal this time where it seemed like everyone was concerned about matching. i, of course, always cater to my date :P whatever, totally not a big deal.

anyway, then vacarro's afterwards. then had ACLS in york this past weekend. cox'd the 8, but basically done coxing for the season now. just finished my last midterm today. just 2 finals and done for the year.

so it's been bugging me that i'll probably be rowing like every other day now. especially in this last week of serious rowing. everyone knows the week before vails is just a major taper.. so this is basically the last week of serious work. super-lame.

boys will be boys.

i've had a very weird eating schedule lately. i get hungry late at night... i probably shouldn't have gorged myself on saturday. it's been a while since i've approached so many calories in one day, without relieving them somehow.. no matter now, weight's irrelevant. whatever.. i needed it.

i've been downloading like a maniac again. i finally got rid of my crappy quality mp3's, well some of them, and am downloading whole albums. imogen heap, panic! at the disco, benassi bros., rihanna.

some things that have been annoying me lately... my bamboo won't grow evenly, one of the stalks is kind of stunted. totally sick of pchem and trying to get this damn sodium lab done. not having studied the right topic for my personality midterm. my apple juice bottles being too big to fit in my fridge. still living in this crappy apartment.... i can't wait to move at the end of this month!